if i have learned one lesson in this my 27th year of life it is that the older i get, the shorter the days become.
i have so much in my head that i'd like to accomplish everyday. i make lists while i'm at work. i run them over and over in my mind. but when i finally have time to get to said lists, the sun has already fallen behind the hills. it's time to rest and reset. time to do it all over again tomorrow.
i'm coming up on 28 in a couple weeks. and i can't help but feel...well, old. i know, i know...i'm still young. i get it. but old is just around the corner. the reality that i'm not going to live forever is finally setting in. you know what i'm talking about, right? the fact that we all know that we're temporal creatures but we don't all believe it. that is, until we're staring at 30 from arm's length. 30! geesh, i was supposed to have everything figured out by then.
i'm running out of time.
which brings us back to where i started this stream-of-consciousness post: time. i've never been a very good manager of it. i do a real bang-up job of managing just about everything else. but time? time has always been elusive. for some reason, my mind has always been able to trick me into thinking i have so much of it available. it's probably why i push things off like there's no tomorrow, or--more correctly--like there are many of them. i just haven't been able to convince myself that there are limits to the length of each day.
about a year ago i began living on a budget. it was a struggle at first, but i feel like i've truly gotten to a place where i've reigned in my finances. i keep track of every single purchase i make, so thus, i have to think about every purchase i make. and mentally note how much money i could've saved rather than spent.
i'm declaring that 28 is the year that i start budgeting my time. taking note of where i could be investing time instead of wasting it. using it for constructive and creative things, rather than things i can't remember at the end of the day.
example: one activity that wastes a good bit of my time during the week is working out in my parent's basement. i don't enjoy it but i do it because i sit on my arse for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 230 some-odd working days a year (that's about how many there are, if you ever wondered). so running on the elliptical is my equalizer. recently, i decided i kind of hated being trapped in the basement on beautiful fall & summer days. so i started running outside. my knees, however, decided they did not like running outside. so i decided to turn to a more "knee-friendly" option: cycling.
first i started on a schwinn i bought at walmart last year ("you think that's a schwinn?!?" sorry, movie quote). well, that wasn't so fun. i made it probably 10 miles each time before i realized that the schwinn wasn't going to do the trick. so i figured i might as well just dive in head first and i wound up buying a legit all carbon fiber road bike, to the tune of about $1000 (not that much for a good road bike, by the way). it was a purchase that didn't sit so well with my aforementioned squeaky budget, but did sit well with my aforementioned squeaky knees. so, i deemed it a worthy investment.
next, i bought a helmet and some gloves. then some pedals. and then a tire pump. and then, the kicker...bike shorts. which, i guess, makes it officially official. but i don't mind since it's something i'm doing that's not a complete waste of time. i'm not cooped up in a basement working out. i'm not at home on the weekends watching the browns implode, or building up a parallel universe browns team on xbox, or venting frustration at the epic failures of my weekly fantasy football matchup. no, i'm out in nature, usually with friends, enjoying creation and getting in shape at the same time.
of course, winter is coming. and with it, not much cycling. but i've started making more lists of things that i can do to budget my time wisely. here are a few:
i suppose if i've learned one thing in my 27 years, it's that i still have a whole lot left to learn.
maybe i'm not so old after all.
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in it will be short blurbs that i think of throughout the day that aren't quite 1,000 word post worthy. some might be funny, others might attempt to be funny but fall horrifyingly short. i guess you'll be the judge.
until my next ridiculously long entry...
]]>what can i say? i like my fruit and milk fresh. so sue me.
i usually go on a set day (monday or wednesday) and i normally get the same list of things. the folks at buehlers probably think i'm a little off. and that's always what i'm thinking that they're thinking as i'm unloading those same few items onto the conveyor every week.
one particular week, the particular high school guy bagging my particularly random food items remarked at the hip, enviro-friendly cloth grocery bags i had just so recently purchased. he asked if i got them for the environment. "yea," i said, "just trying to do my part, ya know." he gave me some props and i went on my merry way.
well, as it turns out, i wasn't done with this kid yet since he was also the grocery-loading-guy outside as well (it was right before closing time). so as he was setting down a case of water bottles in my backseat, he asked if i recycled them too. "absolutely," i answered, "i drive by that disgusting landfill everyday and i can't imagine not at least attempting to limit the amount of crap i personally contribute to it's stench". "yea, me too," he replied, "it's weird though, because my parents don't even care. their generation just doesn't seem to get it." hmm, i had never thought about that before. i began to drive away and then suddenly realized that i had just talked about environmental responsibility with a high schooler.
a high schooler.
wow, so apparently this generation really is different. i'm still evaluating whether i am actually included in the same generation as that kid. but he was right, our parents really don't seem to get it. and the unfortunate truth is, we are going to pay for their mistakes, just as they paid for their parent's mistakes, and their parents before them. right now we are dealing with the consequences of the decisions our parents' and grandparents' generations have made. decisions that are ultimately harming this planet. and now we will be accountable to our children--and even to God, i believe--for how we will live while we we've been given this short span of time here on earth.
alright, well that's not even the main point of this post, lest you think i am careening into tree-hugging territory. maybe another day. this whole business of our carbon footprint, though, got me thinking in another direction. see, when you make an actual footprint in the dirt, you are displacing the earth around you. the ground moves out of the way until it has successfully equalled your weight (or density, i suppose) and pushes back. it's like buoyancy, if something floats it's because the water has put enough force on the object it's surrounding that it essentially allows that object to "carve out it's space" within it. if something sinks, it's because the water doesn't have a significant enough reciprocating force to even out the object's weight. follow?
since we humans are "carbon-based" (18.5% carbon, to be exact), i began to think about how each one of us has the ability to leave impressions in those around us (to complete my little analogy). some are positive, some negative. which made me realize, it's not just an ability. it's actually a responsibility.
and so, this is where i probably need to make another confession: lately i've felt like i've been a fairly significant non-force on those people around me. it started a few years ago, i suppose. i had this nice little string of setbacks that i felt like God could have handled a little better. i mean, c'mon God, get with the program, right? so, layer by layer, i started to remove myself from responsibility. i was burnt out and needed a break, and i didn't feel that worthy to be displacing any part of myself into other people anyways. i felt like i didn't have any significant forces lifting me up, so how could i reciprocate that in someone else?
all the while, the years kept ticking off and that significant force still hadn't made itself known. i kept praying that i would come back around like i always tended to do. or that God would himself lift me from the depths my little stone of a life sunk to. i kept waiting. and kept sinking.
then i remembered there's this other property to buoyancy. see, water has a tendency of making heavy objects feel lighter. even if a rock sinks, that rock has become lighter just by the simple fact that it's immersed in water. so while i don't feel all fancy free and floating above life's troubles all the time, i do feel lighter. each new day, i discover a little more of God's grace and as a result i discover a little bit more that i can impress onto another person.
it was then i realized that i was going to have to be the one to take that first step. i had to make that initial push before there could be reciprocation. the dirt can only push up against the sole of the shoe after the shoe has pushed into it. after that, it's just nature. it's just physics and dirt. it works itself out.
to live unto yourself is to not really live at all. so then, what are we doing if we're not displacing ourselves on those who surround us everyday? if we're not impressing our very souls on a new and coming generation, then we're not really changing anything. but if we do our part, the rest will take care of itself. we don't have to change the whole world, after all. we just have to change our own.
sometimes i wonder if recycling my plastic bottles and using my new little grocery bags really makes that much of a difference in such a big, big world. but then i think about that high school kid.
and then i think about footprints.
p.s. - this was my "hurry-and-get-a-post-in-before-the-end-of-the-month" entry, in case you were wondering.
]]>recently for me, that place was southern california.
california, that lovely land where the humidity stays thin but the dreams are thick enough you can cut them with a knife. it's an enchanting place. like a siren on the beach, drawing you in closer and closer only to leave you dashed across her shores.
los angeles is a maddening city. this is my fourth trip to so-cal and the only time i've rented a car. if the cost of living didn't keep me away from LA, the traffic definitely would. my main reason for braving the insanity this time was to visit my good friend joe who is trying to have a go of this whole "making it big" thing in hollywood. we both agreed that if you weren't pursuing a dream in this crazy city, you'd be right mad to only subsist here.
so, in the interest of being true to our country-boy roots, we absconded and headed north up the coast in search of inner reflection and a few worthy tales to tell. we straddled the PCH for several hundred miles and touched down in malibu, ventura, san luis obispo and a few other exotic locales (to us, anyways). it was refreshing and dare i say, enlightening. i think the pacific coast has a way of engendering such notions in we common, landlocked folk.
before i left, i started reading donald miller's through painted deserts. at one point he talks about the need to leave what is familiar before you can truly see your situation in life for what it is.
It's interesting how you somtimes have to leave home before you can ask difficult questions, how the questions never come up in the room you grew up in, in the town in which you were born. It's funny how you can't ask difficult questions in a familiar place, how you have to stand back a few feet and see things in a new way before you realize nothing that is happening to you is normal.
i've found that i need these little retrospectives now and again. it reestablishes my place in life. it re-formats my mind and resets my defaults back to zero. back to where they no doubt should be. life is too big and too fast for us to let it slip by without absorption.
i think we could all use a good trip up the coast when we start to feel ourselves losing grip on things. just a simple excursion where you don't give a thought to where you're going or when you get there. a chance to just appreciate the journey for what it is and let the destination figure itself out.
just don't get any funny ideas about actually staying there.
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pictures from my aformentioned california adventure are available for viewing here.
]]>last week i became the proud owner of a 24" iMac. this screen is larger than life, friends. i don't even know how i'll begin to find things to fill up it's 2,304,000 pixels of glorious color.
i've got a few ideas, though.
i know i'm several years behind in the mac fad. i've historically lagged behind the trends. i got a super nintendo when nintendo 64 came out, for instance. i didn't get an ipod until 2006 (yes, that is in the current century). and i still don't have an iphone. get with the program, eh? well, my contract is up next year.
one apple at a time, folks, one at a time.
i'm 27 years old...and i am now a mac.
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in response to this cascade of inspiration, i began digging out my recording gear from it's winter hibernation this past weekend. one of the main reasons for getting my own place was so that i could dedicate more time to writing and recording. i'm 1/6th of the way through 2009 and i have nothing to show for it so far. this is not good progress. i hope to make up for it in the month of march.
i'm even thinking about cancelling my cable. now, that's dedication.
]]>i guess the one thing that keeps these wild-eyed ideas alive in me--the thing that keeps me going--is the glut of creative people i've been surrounded with over the years. this kind of energy has a way of rubbing off and serving as inspiration itself. most of them i consider friends; some i've just rubbed shoulders with for a short amount of time. whether they be writers/thinkers/norm-challengers like dave, aaron, jess (& jim), colleen; musicians/melody-makers/sonic-soundscape-shapers like coby, caleb, nathan, chris; or artists/experience-designers/technicolor-visionaries like joe, craig, seth, mallory; they've inspired me simply by who they are.
whether they know it or not, they have within themselves the God-granted ability of converting an otherwise Indefinable Beauty into a much more tangible glory. it's no less wonderful, it's just a glory that the human soul can more easily comprehend.
and make no mistake, that ability is within us all. for we are created in His image. and our God is a magnificent creator.
i pray that this will serve as a reminder of that God-given ability in you. and in me. however it takes form in your life.
and may this be the start of many more reminders to come.
mama, if that's movin' up then i'm...movin' out
at this time next week i will be inhabiting a new space of this great wide world of ours. far, far away? if only it were true. more like 14 blocks away. not as exciting, yes, but still exciting nonetheless.
i've kind of become a big fan of moving. maybe i'm a bigger fan of just rearranging my things. or of finding new ways to arrange them. at any rate, this will be the 3rd time in 3-1/2 years that i've moved. under most conditions, i guess i would be considered fairly mobile. in most other cases i would probably just be considered discontent.
i'm just stepping up my tolerance to living on my own. first i moved in with some friends, next i'm moving into my own apartment. after that, i suppose i'll begin to consider buying a house.
however, nearly everyone has made it a point to inform me that "now is the best time to buy a house". i'm sure that it is. i'm just not convinced it's the best time for me to buy a house. i seriously considered buying one about a year and a half ago. back then, it was also "a great time to buy". it was so good that if i would have bought in back then i would have taken a bath to the tune of several thousand dollars. a little something called the "housing market downturn" happened. you'll note that a "downturn" is really just a nice euphemism for "circling the drain".
i've found that many of the people who are so keen on persuading me to buy a house are usually all home "owners" themselves. maybe they think that if they sway their circle of influence into believing that their particular home-buying decision was a brilliant one they'll feel better about it in these uncertain times. it's kind of like Amway, except the only real kickback is getting all your friends and family into as much debt as you are.
but hey, it's "good" debt right?
i'm not so convinced (deceived?) just yet. if this economic crisis has taught us anything, it's that we have put too much stock into owning real estate. it's just not as foolproof as it once was (or at least as everyone thought it was). and to be honest, i'm perfectly happy living in an apartment. i suppose i'll know it's time to buy a house when i can't stand paying a pesky landlord to fix my leaky faucet and instead decide it's time to start giving my hard earned money to a greedy loan officer for the next 30 years so that i can mow my own lawn.
wait, what?
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faux editor's note: upon rereading this post a day after i published it, i realize that it probably comes off rather biting to someone who doesn't know me well. please understand this was intended to be a sarcasticly winsome entry (if there is such a thing?). so if i sounded angry when you first read this, go back and have another go at it. only this time, imagine me chuckling after every zinger.
i decided to delete it mainly because of it's bearing on my professional career. unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately) this site pops up when you google my name. future (or current) employers could just as easily do the same thing. i'm hearing many more are doing just that these days. i'd rather them hear my thoughts on their workplace in person and not from some remote corner of the interweb.
in other news, i did google myself tonight (c'mon, you haven't?) and found out that i have my name attached to several patents from said job. i knew that we had a lawyer applying my boss and i for a patent but wasn't aware that it was far enough along that it would show up online. i'm not sure if it's officially official, but heck, it must be if it's available on google. only wikipedia is more reliable. they let anyone write on there, so you know you're getting the best possible information.
so, why in the world is my name on a patent? about 3 years ago i helped design & develop a storm door with retractable screens for my company. it's a pretty neat concept, actually (it wasn't my idea, i just donated a few little bits of knowledge here and there), and as a result, it's selling very well. now, of course, i saw no extra zero's on the end of my paycheck because of this little invention but i now have the joy of knowing that my name is on a piece of paper safely tucked away in the confines of a U.S. Patent Office filing cabinet.
hooray.
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so i finally saw bruce springsteen.
it's been a dream of mine for about a year. yes, a full year. i'm not one of those long-time boss fans, mind you, but i've liked him pretty strongly for about a year and a half. pretty lame as far as fanatics go, i know. but have you seen him in concert? that's what i thought. (note: if you have, you've laid down some major coin.)
let me just say: he's the real deal. oh, and don't forget the e-street band. i feel like they've been given a raw deal throughout their storied partnership. they were phenomenal live and supremely talented. troy and i said afterwards that such talented people finding each other and making fantastic music that reaches the world is truly proof that God indeed exists. i don't think fate and/or fortune is up to that task.
so, the boss = arguably the greatest concert at which i have attended. i was fortunate (ha!) to have attended several other great shows this year so far. i just decided that 2008 was going to be the year i got out and experienced some great music. in most cases i just bought tickets and then recruited some of my closest friends to encompany me.
my comments pertaining to each concert are henceforth submitted for your perusal.
if the year ended today i think i could officially brand it as a success. and we still have all of fall, most of football and the festival left to go.
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