the push/pull of give/take

so, i've been reevaluating. reevaluating alot of things. it's something new i've been trying, ya know. something that i guess i was pseudo-taught to never do. "only accept the things you've been told", they say. i suppose that was never a phrase that was actually stated to me (thus the use of the prefix "pseudo") but it was more or less inferred.

i say, however, challenge the things you've been told. the things you've just come to accept (this is a theme that you may see quite a bit on this blog). then, if they stand up to the test, they truly are worth holding on to. and God forbid you should ever let them go.

[dismounts soapbox]

ok where was i? reevaluation, that's right. i'm reevaluating things. a few posts ago i talked about rediscovering what it means to truly love God. a post and a half ago i discussed this thing of church/christianity and what i feel God intended it to be.

more recently i've been thinking alot about this thing of friendships and how funny they are if you sit back and think about them. we let these random people (that we're in no way related to) into our sick little lives and give them varying degrees of exposure to our truest selves. it's frightening, actually. and probably why i'm so reticent to reveal too much of my inner workings on this here interweb (verdict's still out on whether you all are friend or foe just yet, sorry).

i had an epiphany a few weekends ago when it comes to friends. that being: i try too hard. well, that wasn't my first thought. the original epiphany came in the form of a wave of bitterness and anger accompanied by many a curse word muttered into my pillow. it wasn't set off by one particular person, mind you, but at a few. they were people i once had close ties with, people who's steady non-actions had piled up in the back of my head over the past several weeks, months and yes, years. slowly and lazily piling up. like a logjam. see, when i put a good bit of effort into a relationship, it really bums me out when i get a pretty dismal return on that investment. wall street would call that a poor business decision.

i call it a raw effin' deal.

after i calmed down a little bit, i came to the conclusion that i was trying harder than i should be. shouldn't a decent relationship be sometimes push and sometimes pull? how about that whole giving and receiving bit we've heard our whole lives? shouldn't there be some level of reciprocation? i was pulling on the rope and only feeling slack. one-way relationships go nowhere fast, i've begun to find.

so i looked at what a true, healthy friendship should look like. "iron sharpening iron" was as good a place to start as any. it's pretty elemental, really. see, for iron to sharpen iron it has to be just as hard as the piece that needs sharpening. they need to have equal strength; there has to be something there to push back on. there's a time for one side to sharpen the other but also a time for it to receive sharpening as well.

i have a select few friendships that i actually feel sharpened by when we part company. this whole revelation of sorts has brought to light more clearly who those friends are and has given me a new level of respect and love for them. so, rather than putting so much effort into salvaging lopsided relationships, i'm focusing now on making sure i don't become a lousy friend to those who deserve to get something back.

and that my friends, is something worth holding on to.

"And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

seattle and back

a bigger blog will be shortly coming. i've got to at least get one a month to justify having this site. you may be thinking: that doesn't justify you having this site. and you'd also be correct. but still, i continue to humor myself.

this past weekend i humored myself by flying out to the pacific northwest to visit a few good old friends. it was short but most infinitely sweet. i had a blast and a half to say the least and a full two blasts to say the most.

instead of recounting my entire trip via words and clever phrases i am uploading a gaggle of photos that i snapped with my camera-equipped phone. most of them didn't turn out half-bad. the rest turned out full on bad, but again, i continue to humor myself by posting them anyways. these pics can be found safely tucked within the cleverly titled "photos" page.

lastly, i cheated once again and did not design the layout to this site. but it looks darn cool doesn't it?

we are not christians...

...if we are not like christ.

i realize that it sounds like a pretty radical concept, but bear with me. a short while ago i began to take a step back from my life. i tried my best to take a good, hard look at myself and why i do the things i do (i believe they call it a "quarter-life crisis" these days). i think, at least for me, it's been a very necessary part of maturing and growing deeper in my relationship to and with God. i've grown to believe that we all need to question the very roots of our spirituality at some point or another in our lives. for me, it started with my own understanding of what a love for God truly is (which i've previously detailed in this space) and more recently it's come forth in relation to this thing called "church".

along with the majority of my generation, i began questioning it's viability in respect to our culture (bonus points to me for holding out the longest of most everyone i know, though, right?). ultimately, i just got to the place where i was so exhausted with the whole song and dance. growing up in church, i had done my fair share of singing and dancing but why or from where the whole rigmarole came from was never questioned. but then i realized that growing up in it actually gave me the right to question it. maybe even more so than the people squeaking the loudest. as i've come to learn, questioning is not a bad thing (especially after you think you already have all the answers).

and so the questions came: is this really what jesus intended for his church to look like? and if it is how he intended for his children to gather then why was i getting so burnt out being apart of it? why was i seeking solace outside its walls instead of within? and why was i so much more comfortable sharing my reservations about it with non-attendees? many other questions followed, among which i don't have all the answers: i suggest consulting a good book written by someone who knows what they are talking about. so i guess you could say i was burnt out on this thing of "doing church" and wanted to learn more of what it meant to actually "be the church". in fact, this led to even more of a revelation in how the church, i.e. "christians", conduct ourselves in relation to the rest of the world.

you see, it should be unnecessary for us to go around our communities beating our chests and making racket so that everyone knows that we are indeed christians. as if we are saying to the world "take note, this is who we are!", no matter if we actually live like our namesake or not (in case you wondered, this is why they call us hypocrites). i recently came across a story talking about how early believers were first called "christians" by the people living around them. the world saw these people running around their city and said "look, little versions of christ!" (1 thess. 1:8 gives one example of this phenomenon).

how did they know they were like christ? they had most likely heard stories about jesus and the life he led and then when they looked at the lives of these "christians", they matched up. it was obvious. the people who believed the new covenant that jesus instituted with man (later it would unfortunately be called a "religion") and those who lived it out did not have to go around announcing their presence on street corners. they didn't need to undertake huge marketing campaigns to let people know that they existed. they didn't fight for equal time. no, they just were...and people noticed.

like i said, it's a radical concept.

so then when i look at what "christianity" has become and what it has been built up to be in our so-called "post-modern", american-centered world, it really is hard not to wonder: is this what jesus intended? the world is reading stories about christ and how he lived when he was on this earth and then they look at those of us who wear ourselves out making sure everyone knows we're his followers, and they're saying "hmmm, i don't see any relation". i really can't blame them.

so, are we really "christians"? it's really not for us to decide. i mean, sure we've accepted his atonement for our sins, i.e. "got saved", and we all strive to die to ourselves and live for him each day (or at least we claim to), but as far as this life goes, we won't be the ones who ultimately decide if we are truly like him or not.

our neighbors will.

stimulus checks and the swedish ben gibbard

booyah...and i'm back.

so between work, general indifference to blogging and a 10 day break from all things normal (aka vacation), i haven't had two minutes to rub together to update this page. but alas, no time for excuses, i'm a busy guy.

here's a funny story or two to kick things off:

1. on sunday i bought a bicycle. i'd like to say that i bought it for environmentally conscious reasons. i really just bought it because i want to ride on some trails and get a lil exercise. although, gas prices did factor in somewhat. i used my upcoming economic stimulus check as an incentive to buy a nicer bike than i probably would have bought under normal conditions.

we then thought about the irony of the situation: gas prices are high so we're buying bicycles. we're buying them with money that we received from an economic stimulus check. we're getting a stimulus check because our economy is tanking. our economy is tanking partly because of higher fuel costs (or vice versa). so although we thanked george bush for our new bicycles we also had to say no thanks to him because he very well could be behind our economy going belly up. so [no] thank you, g-dub. 

2. about a month ago i downloaded the new death cab for cutie album, "narrow stairs", (whether legally or illegally i cannot tell). upon listening to the album once through i instantly hated it. i despised everything about it. death cab established themselves as an indie pop band with their last album, so give us a g-d indie pop album. i don't want any of this "we made millions off our last album, now let's get creative on our next" baloney. no, stick to what you do best, that being ben gibbard singing about unrequited love in a too high pitched of a voice over catchy melodies. that's what we buy (or not buy) your albums for. instead i downloaded an album of what sounded like a wanna-be noise band with ol' benny boy singing anti-falsetto. i proceeded to tell all my friends how horrible this evil new death cab album was.

today i found out that i had been listening to a fake album for the past month. that's right, a fake. apparently the seemingly reputable site i downloaded said album from was duped as well. what i was really listening to was some swedish band or something that some guy thought sounded like ben gibbard singing and so he packaged it up as the new death cab album. pretty funny when it's all said and done. mostly funny because i was thoroughly convinced that death cab totally blew now and had very nearly turned my back on them.

i downloaded the real album just a few minutes ago. i'm not totally convinced i would have liked it had i listened to it with virgin ears (a 4-1/2 minute intro? i mean, really??) but you can bet it's a heckuva lot better than the swedish version.

that is all the blogging i can muster for this evening. i hope to touch on a few things of the serious sort that i've been ruminating over recently very soon.

i'm sure you can hardly wait. 

former thoughts on a latter subject...

about two years ago i began a journey.

i guess i didn't realize it then but now i've never been more confident of it. it's been a strange two years since that solitary winter when i finally began to feel the full presence of God in my life (which i'll talk more on in future posts). i can't begin to explain that time in my life but i feel i did it best in a post i wrote on my old xanga site in february '06. here it is in it's entirety:

"i'm at a place i can't say i've ever been at before in my short twenty four years of life...i mean nothing revolutionary has taken place...no blinding light coming down from the clouds or anything...i don't think true change comes like that actually...it's just a slow and steady plucking here and there...a low-pitched hum or a barely audible whisper somewhere out of frame...and i can't begin to describe it...but i've been feeling God faithfully and gently retuning my heart to his...

because at some point my life got knocked out of tune...and my ears lost track of his voice...and the more out of sync i got...the louder i tried to cover my inadequacies with canned riffs and stiffly regimented lines...until eventually every note i played swirled and flailed into a fit of cacophony...and every thought gave way to frustration and disappointment...pride had deadened my heart strings...fear had bowed my neck...and complacency kicked my soul clean out of key...

and so i flipped the switch...i let silence reign for a while...and for a while i heard nothing...i must say...it was a deafening silence...but one that i needed to hear...and eventually the sound began to trickle back in...as God usually works...it came slowly but surely...and i began to hear him in a whole new way...and started to love him all over again...it's funny how simple things become at that point...loving God...i can hear how cliche that sounds already...because it's how i've heard that statement all my life...and it's probably why i became so numb to it...i never truly felt it for myself...

but really, though...what does loving God really look like? it's the drum he beat over and over while he was here among us...to come as we are...and just love him...so basic...yet it's something we struggle to explain...just like we can't explain music and how just the right chord or perfect melody can resonate so deeply within us that it rattles our very souls...you can't define the moving of the soul...it's something that has to be experienced firsthand...maybe that's why we attach so many rules and standards to this thing of loving God...because we don't understand it...and we can't force it upon each other...just like we can't force ourselves to love another human...or harder yet...force them to love us...it's something we all must hear for ourselves...
so i'll begin to pluck and pick again quietly...only sure of one thing...i can't say i know what loving God truly looks like...but i think i'm beginning to hear what it may sound like..."

 much more on this to come.